I Watched "Top Gun" for the First Time
I’ve never seen Top Gun, but there’s a new Top Gun story on the horizon and I couldn’t possibly see it without knowing the source material, right? (I probably would have gone in blind had it not been for my dad’s enthusiasm.) I also have a soft spot for cheesy, sweaty ’80s movies, so I should love Top Gun. Let’s find out together.
I cannot tell you how excited my dad is, but he’s upset that he can’t turn the living room lights off because my mom is sewing.
She said she’d stop sewing if he’d give her a foot rub. No dice.
I would like to know how these guys’ names were chosen. Like, why is this man named Goose?
Everyone is so sweaty. So sweaty. And yet, no sweat stains, so what’s the truth.
I desperately hope this is like Titanic, where the only soundtrack is “Danger Zone.” Give me a mournful strings-only version for a sad scene.
“This gives me a hard on.” “Don’t tease me.” Excuse me???? Sir, that is homosexual activity.
I cannot handle this club scene. The Iceman keeps looking at Tom Cruise’s lips!!
Also, Goose saying something about betting Tom that he ends the night “with a woman this time.” Does that mean he banged a dude last time???
There is no way in hell that Tom’s TERRIBLE rendition of “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” won this woman over.
Maybe it’s because I’m not a dad, but these plane sequences are pretty boring.
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How could anyone watch this and think that Goose and Maverick are not over the moon in love with each other?
Playing volleyball in jeans is serial killer behavior.
I’m sorry, but Iceman and Maverick have more chemistry than Maverick and this blonde woman.
MEG RYAN, MY LOVE.
Everyone continues to be so sweaty, but not as sweaty as in Body Heat. I’d rather be watching Body Heat. That’s peak sweaty, horny, ’80s cinema.
This movie contains vastly more singing by Tom Cruise than I could ever have anticipated.
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There’s truly no plot. It’s just planes and homoerotic vibes.
Oh, dang, rest in the most peace, Maverick’s boyfriend Goose.
I’m sorry, but there’s no reason for this movie to be pushing two hours.
The colors of the sky are truly something to behold.
This movie became vastly less interesting when the homoerotic subtext disappeared.
So that’s it. My official Top Gun review. Could’ve been gayer, but also gayer than expected.
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