How Have You Not Seen This? - “Gladiator”
Every Wednesday, I plan to watch a movie that I definitely should have seen by this point in my life, but haven’t. I’m calling it How Have You Not Seen This?. It will be a more relaxed, humorous take on movies that I don’t really talk about in my regular reviews.
For the inaugural How Have You Not Seen This?, I will be watching Gladiator. With the sequel on the horizon and Denzel Washington doing whatever it is he’s doing in that trailer, I figured it was time I finally got around to seeing this one. I have only the faintest idea of what lies ahead. I think this is the “Are you not entertained????” movie, but maybe not. I guess I’ll soon find out.
Is “Strength and Honor” Maximus’ little catchphrase? Based on Ridley Scott’s reinterpretation of Napoleon in Napoleon, I’m taking everything that’s presented with a grain of salt, but I can’t help but think “Strength and Honor” is 180 A.D.’s “Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.”
I’m sorry, Maximus has to lead this army to take over what looks to be a Viking stronghold and then has to go home and be a farmer? Two jobs? Is leading the army not enough for the Roman Empire?
Whenever I see huge scenes like this opening fight, all I can think about is the logistics involved in finding all these extras, dressing them, shooting them, feeding them, and finding a place for them to go to the bathroom. Filmmaking is crazy, and even though I don’t always enjoy Ridley’s movies, man, does he know how to make a big Blockbuster set piece.
courtesy of Universal
Already I think this would have been a better movie if the central plot was Maximus and Commodus falling in love. It’s the perfect enemies-to-lovers trope. Snooty rich boy falls for farmer-soldier boy. Tale as old as time. Instead, I see that Maximus is going for Commodus’ sister. A boring choice.
So, Commodus is saying the reason he hasn’t been chosen as the successor to rule Rome or whatever is because his dad didn’t hug him when he was a child? I mean, I do feel like if you’re not getting enough hugs as a kid you’re going to say things like “I’m going to butcher the whole world” and then kill your father with your bare hands. Guess we didn't have therapists in 180 A.D. Rome.
These fight sequences are utterly bonkers. Why does it look like this? What is Ridley doing with the frame rate? It’s too jerky to be slow motion, so it’s a weird, stilted sequence of close-ups that are annoying to watch if you’re actually trying to see what’s going on. And these bizarre dream/hallucination sequences! What is happening here?
Okay, yeah, it is sad that Maximus’ wife and son died, but maybe I’m built different because I would not be slobbering snot and kissing my dead wife’s toes as she hangs there. I think I could’ve found another way to mourn my loss.
Apparently we’re in present-day Algiers. I would have bet so much money this all took place in Rome. Are they not fighting in the Colosseum? I’m starting to lose confidence that this is the movie with “are you not entertained?” in it. Maybe that was Troy. I don’t think I’ve seen that one either, although someone did show me that one Diane Kruger scene. The lesbians will know what I’m talking about.
courtesy of Universal
So he’s fighting in a tiny version of the Colosseum and he’s gotta be chained to someone else. This is like an episode of Cutthroat Kitchen, but with murder.
Also, I know reality TV is inherently bad and I should stop watching it because the people on it are most certainly being exploited, but I cannot imagine a society where you show up to watch people just get absolutely annihilated right in front of you.
150 days of games? Do people not have jobs? Lives? Worlds to conquer? I’ve seen how little work is done when the Olympics are happening these days, so what was going on then? I fear that Commodus might not be a good leader.
Ahh, so it is the “are you not entertained?” movie. Love that one expectation was met, but simply wild that this line was not uttered in the Colosseum.
Is Commodus trying to bang his sister?
I think my favorite character might be the man who has the close-up at the one-hour-eighteen-minute mark. His eyebrows are out of control and he’s wearing an Orphan Annie wig for no discernable reason. I think he is the star.
Good old Hans Zimmer really went off with this score. I can hear the building blocks for what would ultimately become the theme for the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
Romans seeing that Commodus brought back the retired and only undefeated fighter in Rome for a battle is equivalent to what it felt like when I saw Harry Styles in concert and he brought Stevie Nicks out for a duet.
courtesy of Universal
I think perhaps my favorite thing about this movie is all of the silly little helmets everyone wears. Tigris of Gaul’s metal helmet with the single teardrop is so dramatic, and for what.
Along that same line, Commodus’ eyeshadow is so 2000s pop-punk. You’re telling me he’s not a forgotten member of My Chemical Romance?
I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a dude try to bang his sister so desperately. Then again, I never watched Game of Thrones.
I get that this final fight sequence is important because it’s Maximus and Commodus going head to head, but nothing about Commodus makes me think he’s a remotely competent fighter. I feel like Maximus should have knocked him out in two seconds flat. I mean, he single-handedly fought one strong dude and three tigers earlier. Narratively, I get it. Realistically, I do not.
Final Thoughts: I can’t say I was a fan. The plot is slim and the fight sequences leave a lot to be desired. I watched the trailer for Gladiator II immediately after I finished this film, and it contradicts itself within thirty seconds. How does Paul Mescal’s character (the grown-up version of the little kid from the first movie) simultaneously remember watching Maximus fight in the Colosseum and have no memory of his mother? Bro, she was next to you the entire time! Also, though, who cares. I’m not asking Gladiator II for historical accuracy or even to make sense, but I am looking forward to seeing Paul Mescal fight a rhino while wearing a short little skirt.
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