How Have You Not Seen This? - “Krampus”
Merry happy holidays to you and yours! It’s the most wonderful time of the year, when no one expects anything from you and you can sit at home and watch movies all day long. Granted, that’s not much different from my usual Wednesday, but this time there are cookies galore.
Lately I’ve been going off this list to find something new-to-me to watch, but it’s the holidays! And nothing screams “getting into the Christmas spirit” like Krampus. I’m not one of those purists who believe that Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie. I think that if the movie takes place before, during, or immediately after Christmas, it should count as a movie you can watch during this joyous time of year. We can’t keep pretending that the only real holiday movies that exist are ones that are, at this point, more than a few decades old. Anyway, let’s see what Krampus is about, shall we?
My mother, a noted film-hater, would appreciate that the little boy in this movie drop-kicks a bully who’s trying to ruin the magic of Santa Claus.
I fear this German grandmother is going to be the one who summons Krampus. Can Krampus be summoned? What’s his lore? I mean, I will learn, but I’m just admitting upfront how little I know about Krampus.
Weird cousins have descended upon our main characters’ home. Two of them look to be little lesbians who, and I’m quoting here, are “still a little sad the Steelers lost.” I, too, was once a little lesbian in an oversized sweatshirt mourning a loss by the Steelers. Funnily enough, the Steelers will be playing on Christmas Day this year. Let’s hope I didn’t jinx them.
Floppy-haired Max, who drop-kicked the bully, is the sweetest little kid. Let my boy believe in Santa! He signed his letter to Santa “your pal.” I love him.
Universal Pictures
I do appreciate how this is shot and edited like we’re watching a movie about Christmas magic. Well, I guess we are, but this is dark magic, as opposed to the positive magic where a stranger climbs down a chimney to drop off presents and eat cookies.
An ominous snowman has appeared. Is this a crossover with the cinematic classic The Snowman? Mister Police, I gave you all the clues!
Noooo, did Max’s nice sister die? I don’t like that. Max wanted to get closer to her again, but a jack-in-the-box killed her. I also don’t get that. Is a jack-in-the-box Krampus’ means of killing people? Surely that doesn’t go back to the traditional roots of Krampus.
All things considered, this movie feels fairly tame. I’m half-an-hour in and only the nice sister has been murdered. I feel like I mention this every time, so maybe I should say that I’m not actively advocating for murder in my regular life. It’s just that when I select a movie that’s marketed as a horror, I’m expecting some horror, and that has yet to materialize.
I’m sorry, is Krampus a snake? What was that bizarre snake thing that slithered around under the snow to bite the uncle? What little I knew about Krampus going in is quickly slipping away.
The one (1) thing the creepy grandma told her family not to do was let the fire go out. And what do these dummies do?
It seems as though Krampus is aided by gingerbread cookies who have come to life. This is all very silly and not very scary, so I feel a tad misled.
Grandma is telling the story of her youth, and I guess this is going to show us the origin of Krampus. I do like the animation style of this flashback. It’s a fun play on other Christmas movies that are done in a similar fashion. I don’t know if I can get behind grandma’s tale that she’s living proof of what happens when hope and belief are gone. Also, grandma is old enough that I believe she could’ve lived through part of WWII, so that adds another wild level to her story.
I swear, if another dog perishes…
Universal Pictures
Perhaps part of my issue with this movie is that it’s PG-13. I was very much a PG-13 horror kid for a long time. They were what got me into the genre and sure, they always leave a lot to be desired, but the one thing they’re good at is having a bunch of stuff always happening. They barely let you go five minutes without some sort of jumpscare or fake-out. Is that the pinnacle of filmmaking? No, but it is what I want if I’m getting what’s essentially a watered-down version of what could be. Krampus is missing the frequent scares that would keep things moving.
Call me old-fashioned, but instead of all of these toys that have been brought to life and are now on a murdering spree, I would’ve liked to have seen Krampus himself inflict some damage on the family. He is in the titular role, after all! Maybe Krampus’ whole thing is bewitching toys. I wouldn’t know because I have learned next to nothing about the man, the myth, the legend.
Dog is safe. Thank goodness.
Finally, I get to actually see Krampus. Dude looks like the goat version of Davy Jones from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies with the longest tongue you’ve ever seen. And why is his mouth just perpetually hanging open like that?
“I haven’t felt this hungover since the pope died” is the funniest line of this whole movie because what does it mean? Why would the pope dying cause you to drink?
I also guessed the entire ending of the movie twenty minutes in. I love winning.
So what we’ve learned is that Krampus is not for me. If I want to watch a Christmas horror movie, I’m going to stick with the original Black Christmas.
Follow me on BlueSky, Instagram, Letterboxd, & YouTube. Check out Movies with My Dad, a new podcast recorded on the car ride home from the movies.