“My First Film” - Film Review
The creation of art is often at the center of storytelling, because that process is ineffable. Anyone who has ever made anything will tell you that inspiration is fickle. You can chase after it all you want, but no one can control when the ability to create something aligns with the whole-hearted desire to do so. The ability often outweighs the idea and vice versa, yet there’s so much to gain, so much beauty in the effort of what are ultimately considered failures. The push and pull of these concepts are at the center of Zia Anger’s My First Film, a blend of documentary and narrative storytelling that strikes at the inexplicable heart of creation.
“This probably shouldn’t be a film…but it is,” writes Vita (Odessa Young) on her laptop as the film opens. She’s the fictitious embodiment of the film’s director, Anger, who is recounting the first film she ever made. It was made by friends in the middle of their hometown who had more passion than they knew what to do with. The film Vita is making will ultimately become officially “abandoned” on IMDB, mirroring the experience of Anger. Through the making of My First Film, a new life and a new voice are given to her younger self.
courtesy of Mubi
It’s easy to be young and feel like one setback is the end of the world. You’re filled with so much confidence and excitement about the possibilities of what you can create, only for it to come crashing down because of constraints you never fathomed. Those constraints are often just reality, but they can feel stifling and catastrophic. My First Film lives almost entirely in the turmoil of the artistic pursuit of something great. Vita, through voiceover, admits, “I remember thinking I was brilliant.” While she was ultimately rejected from every film festival she submitted to, there’s an argument to be made that there was brilliance within the frames of that first film. That the simple act of dedicating herself to something she was passionate about instilled a sense of brilliance that cannot be measured by recognition.
“You will make something again,” Vita tells her younger self. My First Film doesn’t seek to bury who Vita was in order to celebrate who she will become. We are the sum of our parts, of the failures mixed with the hope, of the desire that propels us forward. My First Film is a self-critique of the pseudo-intellectual self-importance that comes from any artist’s first real, meaningful attempt at making something. Instead of following their gut, they try to mimic the pieces of art they’ve seen that they like, molding their voice to someone else’s instead of using their own.
courtesy of Mubi
One of the critiques Vita receives on her short film idea is that it’s too esoteric, a word she consistently mispronounces as “assoteric.” My First Film doesn’t abandon Vita’s esoteric tendencies, but it’s clear that real-life director Zia Anger understands herself more and can create something that is both esoteric and accessible to others. My First Film isn’t a traditional film but its deviations have purpose, unlike Vita’s film within the movie where she doesn’t understand the decisions she’s making.
Even without becoming the success Vita thought she’d made, her film taught her something invaluable - you must love the process. If you cannot love the process, you will struggle to find the strength to keep going in an industry that can chew you up and spit you out without a second thought. My First Film is an ode to the messiness of creation, the bonds forged during marathon shoots, and the end product, abandoned or lauded.
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