“If I Go Will They Miss Me” is a Gentle Epic
The relationship between a parent and a child is one of the most complex for humans to navigate. Parents, in their best form, are supposed to be protectors and educators. They’ve brought life into the world and it’s their job to guide these young people toward reaching their fullest potential. But parents are people too. They have hopes and dreams for their own lives, and the existence of a child will have an effect, good or bad, on the person they always thought they would become. If I Go Will They Miss Me, written and directed by Walter Thompson-Hernández, is an intimate look at a young boy processing the realization that his parents might be human after all.
Lil Ant (Bodhi Dell) lives with his mom (Danielle Brooks) and sister (Zaria Kelley) in Watts, a neighborhood of Los Angeles. He’s a creative kid who prefers drawing and making cardboard sculptures to anything else. His mom and his sister are constants, but it’s his often-in-jail dad, Big Ant (J. Alphonse Nicholson), who captures Lil Ant’s imagination. Lil Ant compares his dad’s many incarcerations to the trials and tribulations of Odysseus in the The Odyssey. All of Big Ant’s time in jail was just a cosmic, godly force keeping him away from his family. Now that he has returned, though, Lil Ant has trouble reconciling this version of his father with the one in his head.
“Dad used to draw things, just like me,” Lil Ant says. It’s the kind of statement that holds more weight than a kid can realize at that moment. Lil Ant doesn’t recognize that what he’s saying is a profound explanation of who his father is. It’s merely something he noticed, but Lil Ant has vocalized what years of generational trauma have done to Big Ant, and that frightens Big Ant. He uncovers drawings that Lil Ant has made of him dressed as Poseidon and riding Pegasus, an indisputable god. It’s overwhelming to be seen from such an unconditionally loving perspective by his son, and Big Ant doesn’t know how to handle it. Maybe he sees a bit of himself in his son and the way he draws, and that scares him. What will people say about Lil Ant? How can Big Ant protect him? Does he need protection?
Big Ant’s friend JJ (Myles Bullock) tries to encourage him to embrace the way Lil Ant sees him. JJ says that Big Ant being a father is an opportunity to change things for the future. That Lil Ant doesn’t have to grow up with the same burdens they did. JJ says, “Don’t be scared of how he sees you. He sees you as something we could never see our fathers as. He sees you as a god.” The magical realism of Lil Ant’s imagination is beautifully woven through If I Go Will They Miss Me. When JJ says that Lil Ant sees his dad as a god, he’s right. We see Big Ant in a toga holding a trident as the waves of the Pacific Ocean crash behind him. A mighty power is in the palm of Big Ant’s hands, but he’s afraid he can’t live up to the expectations of his son’s love.
Every frame of If I Go Will They Miss Me feels like a painting. An overhead shot of the local basketball court, an old television set on train tracks, and Lil Big Ant (Kameron J Meadows) hanging out of the car window are all presented in such lush fashion that the story feels like a lyrical myth. Big Ant and Lil Ant are as turbulent and troubled as the Greek fathers and sons who came before and laid the groundwork for stories that have endured for thousands of years. In many ways, If I Go Will They Miss Me is a far more faithful thematic adaptation of The Odyssey than Christopher Nolan’s attempt from earlier this year. This is a story of grace, healing, and families, of the chasms that separate the closest relationships and the way we fight to get back to what matters most.
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